Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My younger self

No pics here, just some words of advise for my kiddos.  Im not really sure where my constant reflection is coming from, but I think.  A LOT!  And over the past several months, and especially after I had Wesly, I think back to my 20 year old to 25 year old self and sometimes wanna smack myself out of it.  I was having a conversation with a sister-in-law recently, and I said, 'I sure hope my experience in California will maybe benefit one of my own kids one day...of what NOT to do!  Although many really GOOD things came out of that experience, I wish I would have done a lot of things differently.  

I would advise not to move to a different state without having a place to move into...3 weeks after having your FIRST baby.  Maybe there is a better option:)  
I would advise you to take the car that someone offers you, FOR FREE, as long as you can take and pick up her kids from school.  WHAT?! I was so concerned about Raegans naps (that typical new mom syndrome) that I turned that down.  I get a pit in my stomach just writing about it.  That lady probably thought I was such a moron!  Unfortunately, I was.  
I would tell you to reach out for help...there is no shame in that.  
I would tell you to LIVE there.  Really live there.  Get a full experience. 
 Like I said, some good did come from that one year of my life that I really feel was a major life learning experience. 
 I would encourage you to drive the 2 hours to your in-laws as much as you can to build a lasting relationship with them.  I would also make sure you are cleaning the sheets (my old self didn't) and thank them intensely (I hope my old self did this) for always opening their doors to you and making you feel right at home.  

And California isn't the only experience I have reflected on lately.  I remember clear as day sitting in Laci's kitchen, pregnant with Raegan, brewing up a mate...all the while Laci is bustling around the house huffing and puffing getting all her little ones ready for school.  She knelt in front of me with one of her girls as she struggled to get her little shoe on her foot, and I looked down and said this:
"Gosh, you haven't even eaten breakfast yet...huh?!"
And she replied with a simple..."Nope."
What is wrong or what was wrong with me?!
I didn't get it.  I really didn't.  And now that I have 4, and I find myself bustling around in the morning, if my stupid sister-in-law was feeding her face and brewing up a mate without an offer to help...
I might hit her!
I hit myself for you Laci:) And Im sure Laci doesn't remember that exact moment in time...but I sure hope later that day she told Brian what a flipping moron I was.  

I really could go on for days, but like I always say to myself when I want to HIT my old self...

...that's what life is all about.  Right?!  
Experience...Good OR Bad.

And Im really not beating myself up, more just reflecting on how much I have changed since having kids plus tacking on a few more years of experiences.  I am so not perfect now and I often wonder...  

 What will my 50 year old self think about my 32 year old self??


 I'm almost quite certain as I sit here and write this now, that even if someone TOLD me...DONT do this...DONT do that...
Im pretty stubborn and I may have done just what I did anyway.  Which then gives me anxiety already to think that some day, I am going to have to sit back and watch my OWN kids make stupid decisions, and make mistakes...and maybe ones that are very similar to my own youthful mistakes.  But now I know better...and I know from please listen to me! 

I guess thats why it is so so very important to build that trust now. 
That relationship now.
No matter what it takes.  

And again,
I am given perspective of whats important.
And that, I am grateful for. 
So Ill keep reflecting:)
And maybe I can continue to refine my perspective.

Last but certainly not least...Experience.


Tracie said...

I loved this post. Farrah, you are a treasure. From one mother of four to another, I am sure glad I am not the only one swimming in mistakes:>

Auntie Elaine said...

From one Old lessons are just lessons for us and hopefully our children to learn from. :-) The key is recognizing the lesson and yep..."keep reflecting"!! Love your insights my dear!

Laci said...

Ha! Nope don't remember it , but am certain u were more helpful than u think :) ur awesome, life is HARD, keep truckin', baby steps my friend :) I could copy that post and sign MY name. It's all so true. Love ya! And p.s......u know there's no way I could ever convince bri of that....Farrah the wonderful is ur nickname round here :)

Arden said...

Farrah, this made me cry. I still feel so bad I never came down to help. I learned a lot from your experience and have tried to put it in my daily life now. You are truly a gem. I am so blessed to have you as my daughter and what an amazing older sister you are. Keep on reflecting, I learn so much from you! I love you daughter.