Saturday, December 06, 2008

Invisible Mother


So, my good friend from high school sent this 'poem' to me, and as I read...I cried. This poem says every thing I have been trying to say for so long. I stumbled along trying to express my feelings awhile back in a post...ya know...the one I'm sure most of you told yourselves after reading it...'wow, I can't believe she wrote that for the public to view', but I wish I had never written it now. I wish I had just posted this poem and t0ld you all I wrote it:) It's beautiful...and its for all the moms out there who have been a mom to me or a mom with me. I love you all!


It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to somewhere. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Can I have some money?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' or I'm a car to order, 'Right around 8:30, please.'


I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated college- but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. Initially I had thought, oh she remembered I wanted to travel this year. Until I read her inscription: "With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.


A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'


I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no button you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

A t times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the girlfriend he's bringing home for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies', that would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to bring his friends home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Eye candy






I have been trying to get a photo book done on the web and in the process, I took pictures of all of Raegan's artwork. I have to say the when she went from scribbling to creating a real picture I about died...and it really seemed like it was overnight. I had them hanging up everywhere, but when she started to destroy them by trying to rip them down, I had to store them away:( And for some reason, I cannot get rid of any of it. So there was a show on Oprah about de-cluttering, and making an album of artwork is essential in the process. She offered a free book for 48 hours and I took advantage of it. Anyway, these are the pictures and they are adorable. I'm excited to have them safely stored away in a hard-back book now!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Tinkerbell...WHAT?!















So, Im not quite sure where Raegan got the idea...but all of a sudden and out of the blue she kept asking to be Tinkerbell for Halloween...she went from monster...to, of course Dora...to Tinkerbell. As we were walking through Costco, we came across a Tinkerbell costume, her size, and on sale! So, her wish came true. And might I add, I dressed up as well. I have to admit that I have never been that big of a fan doing such a thing, but now that Rae is 'of age' I thought it would be fun for her to see mom have fun WITH her. Yes...I was Peter Pan, the costume was $2.00, homemade, and hideous. Evan was, well I'm not really sure, but there is a little baby that carries a Teddy around in his footy jammies on Peter Pan, right?? We were the 'Pan Clan' and I have to admit it was kindof depressing. Here I am all dressed up with my two kids and....me, and my 2 kids...no Shawn to enjoy the deep gut laughter I needed to hear, cause to be honest, I felt all too serious with nobody there laughing at my attire:) I was a lone soul walking around the mall because for some odd reason, BYU had a volleyball match on HALLOWEEN NIGHT?! so we walked around the mall since it was close to the Y and then we headed over to the match. In the end, there were a few laughs from Shawn, and his team, and what mattered most...really...was Raegan had a wonderful night and surprised me with all the enjoyment she got out of getting all dolled up. I definately took advantage of that and really had a good time getting her ready! I do have to say, that between carving pumpkins, gathering costume gear, and dressing myself and the kids up for Halloween, I've found there are more than a few good reasons its nice to have kids around. It keeps that young excitement alive that lives on deep inside and I really did found myself enjoying those things I once did as a kid. Arn't kids the best:) Oh and as for Evan, he's not quite there yet to understand whats going on, he just goes with the flow, sat in the stroller with his bucket on his lap and watched as all these weirdo's drop candy inside. I was laughing cause he really just sat there...and didn't move much...maybe he was scared:)

P.S. THANK YOU to every one that contributed a very kind and comforting comment to my post below. I was telling my sister that I should write more of those cause I got some really nice feedback. We were laughing as we brainstormed...'i need help, I feel so fat and ugly...what do you guys think?'...ya know...do a little compliment fishin':) There was no fishin there though, I really do appreciate all your thoughtful words of comfort and advise!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Question to moms...




So, I'm not sure I should be writing right now...I'm on a very strong pain killer to relieve my burning migraine, it's 12:08 am, I'm coming down with some sort of cold or something, I've been crying a lot of the day, I think I am PMSing, and it's just been one of those days. Most of you should just opt out of reading this considering the list that goes on of why I should NOT be writing right now. But, out of this post, perhaps I will get some counseling from all the wise and perfect mothers out there, although I would prefer advise from all the non-perfect and crazy ones right now. Here's my question...do you ever feel like you have been given a beautiful, blonde-haired, hazel-eyed, funny, sensitive, totally normal but high-maintenance child that you don't know how to mother. You feel totally incompetent, unworthy, and just don't have the skills needed to teach. That's the best way I can describe it...the way I feel on days like today. Nothing in particular happened out of the norm, I just have those days every now and then (I don't get it)! What is wrong with ME...not her! And then, after that thought, do any of you start to think of all the things you might have done wrong while trying to teach your infant/toddler (like, what the heck was I thinking when I started to bite her back when she would bite...SO NOT ME, and SO NOT GOOD FOR HER...or attempting all methods of 'sleep training' which made me more miserable than her...or having a tear-attack (nervous breakdown is another phrase) with her in sight...or having a second baby too soon for her tender and needy personalilty...just to name a few things I think of often). Well, that's where Im at folks. I can't express to anyone the way my heart swells for this little girl when I watch her sleep and kiss her chuncky soft cheeks, or watch her play with her babies like they have real beating hearts, or see the few sweet moments she has with her little brother. And I never wonder why I was the lucky one to recieve her because I know God knew that I would give my very last breath for her...but I do wonder if I'm doing what's right for her, the right way for her, living up to God's expectations. I guess I have to trust that Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He sent her to me to be my first. I have to trust that she will have the strength to get through all the tests and experiments needed to know what works and what doesn't. I'm sorry, Rae. I will tell that to you now cause I know I'm not a perfect person, therefor, I'm not a perfect mom. I've never done this before, but as my own wise mother said, I know how to love. And after I had you, I know how to love perfectly and that's what I can promise you I will do forever and ever! Goodnight:)

Friday, October 24, 2008

A few good laughs...



So, for those of you out there who think Evan is ALL Hofheins...YOU ARE WRONG! This picture speaks for itself! Knocked knees is what we like to call it around here, and when you watch Evan walk, well, like father like son! So I guess its true, he's just like daddy from the waist down:) The other picture is of Rae's buddy. I find her buddy all over the house in some pretty funny places, this one in particular was sitting there to 'watch me cook'. I find it very amusing to ask her why her baby is where it is only to get that kind of response...totally off the wall. Also, I have to post some pretty funny conversations we've had over the last few weeks, as well as some funny little things she comes up with all on her own...

I sat down on the couch after picking up and sighed. She says: 'Are you tired, honey?' I died!

Rae: I went poo and nobody wasn't up there with me to wipe me
Me: Who wiped you then
Rae: I just only wipe my bum all by myself
UH OH! Poor girl.

Evan sneezed.
Rae: OOOOOEEW! Evan, you just bless you'd on me

My mom was leaving and to keep Rae from wanting to go with her, she said Kobie's coming home from school and I need you to watch her for me. Perfect! Soon enough Kobie walks in and Rae says: Kobie, gramma says I'm gonna watch you K
Kobie: Oh, really
Rae: Yeah...is that cool?
How does she come up with these things!?

In the car waiting for her to buckle up, and I'm getting impatient.
Me: Rae, hurry up, we can't go until your buckled
Rae: I am, mom, just chill
WHAT! My sister was with me and we couldn't stop laughing at that one.

Anytime we are driving around trying to find our destination.
Rae: Mom, are we loosed.

Oh wow. Those are just a few of the MANY things she says that truly make me laugh ALL DAY LONG! I'm with my sisters alot more now, and they keep telling me to write it down, but seriously, I would be writing all day if that were the case. She is so much fun to watch and listen to right now just cause she really learns something new EVERYDAY and it totally catches me off guard as I wonder to myself, 'where did she come up with that' or 'how does she know that word'. Scary! She is growing up so fast and I try to soak it all up, every stage, because soon enough she's gonna be 16 and when she tells me to 'just chill' its going to take on a whole new meaning and I'm sure its not going to put a smile on my face.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

As I promised...








and because Shawn is begging me to put these pictures up. He left again today on, yet again, another road trip, and he really really really wants me to post Rae in action! Just look for the red, white, and blue blondie with pink shoes...THATS OUR LITTLE RAE...sportin' her soccer skills in her 'new' soccer gear. Yes, some may think, oh she looks like a little boy, but in my mind, part of the fun in starting something new is being able to pick out your own gear...and yes, we did find it all in the boys section only because there was NOTHING in the girls section. Like little girls only dance and sing...well not mine:) She is a stud, really! I got all choked up (weird, I know) watching her today. I can't really explain why, I guess it was just the sheer joy of being a mom...this is what its all about. Having your little girl grow up and want to be just like her mommy...atleast for now...and see that big beautiful smile smeared across her face because she knows its all about her. Mommy is there to see her, run around with her, pay all attention to her. And as I tear up now I feel pathetic, but after having Evan, that is one thing I always stuggled with. What's going to happen to my little Rae who is so used to sucking up all of me to being forced to take second place (which, might I add, was quite a struggle, but she's pulled through like all of the #1's out there). Anyway, this is good for both of us and I just have to say...I love my little Rae more than I can bear. She holds a real special place in my heart for many reasons aside from being sooo special herself. I love you sporto:)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fall Fun




























This weekend was GREAT! We got to see a lot of Shawn's family and spend some much needed time soaking up all the beautiful weather that the fall season still has to offer. We all attended the volleyball game on Friday as BYU (Shawn) took on the U of U (Heather). Unfortunately BYU lost, but they played better and it was neat to see siblings compete but also show so much maturity and poise as they embraced after the match... priceless:) We went up AF canyon on Saturday, ate lunch at Tibblefork, and enjoyed the magestic beauty of the mountains painted in all the fall
colors... yellow, orange, red, purple ... beautiful. We made a necessary stop at Smart Cookie to buy our weekend treasure...a dozen sugar cookies (seriously, they are magical) and headed over to HEE HAW farm. The kids enjoyed the animals, slides, train rides, fat pigs, hay trampolines, hay rides, and more...and I have to admit I enjoyed some of the activities myself. Here are the pictures, and one of my favorites is Brion snapping Rae in her most precious pose...by the way...Brion, if you read this, thanks for all the pics...your so nice to lug all your stuff around just to snap all of our most favorite moments! Your very kind:) Cole...your a lucky lady and you too Bri-dog:)...love you guys and it was so nice to hang out...its been way too long. Until next time....

Monday, October 13, 2008

True Love




Here is Rae with her true love...Baby Lennon! She is absolutely obsessed and so am I a little:) We got to play with him again and we loved every minute of it!!!!! I could not get enough of his new talents...he was so smiley and just talkin' away. If I have to say so myself...those are some pretty good snap shots:)

Monday, October 06, 2008

I really really want to play mom...


Now, this is what I have been hearing my little Raegan crying for for the past week and I'm sure you can all guess what she really really wants to play! NOPE...not volleyball...very surprising I'm sure because volleyball pretty much has consumed our lives! She wants to be like her mommy...YES! SOCCER! The sport may live on here in this household and I do think Raegan is a perfect candidate for the sport if ya know what I mean. It really brings me a slight smile to hear her desperately wanting to be just like mommy. Here we are, since she was born, attending volleyball, talking volleyball, daddy volleyball, volleyball girls, life volleyball...and she watches me every once in a while play a little indoor (or try atleast), and here we are literally trying to find a way for her to play. The picture illustrates her passion for it already. For a few weeks she has been 'pretending' to play soccer, but one morning that all changed. She literally woke up, got out of bed, searched for her 'soccer shirt', put it on, found her soccer socks (tights...close enough), put them on, and her crocs will do for now. She got all strapped up in this gear all by herself and then she proceeded to really cry all morning... 'I really have a soccer game mom, you need to take me and drop me off, I really really want to play mom..,' and these are real tears she's producing! So I HAVE to find a way and I think I did. They have a program called Soccer Buddies and its just right for her. We'll post some pics of her in real action very very soon:)

Alpaca Day










Here are some pictures of one beautiful Saturday morning enjoyed by all! They hold a little fair-like event up here in Alpine where there is a big alpaca farm and the kids LOVED it. They had the neatest little go-cart train mobile...I would have been in it all day too when I was a kid! It was pretty cool...and the background scenery was magical...the fall leaves colored the mountains and the sun was bright, what more can ya ask for?!