So, I'm not sure I should be writing right now...I'm on a very strong pain killer to relieve my burning migraine, it's 12:08 am, I'm coming down with some sort of cold or something, I've been crying a lot of the day, I think I am PMSing, and it's just been one of those days. Most of you should just opt out of reading this considering the list that goes on of why I should NOT be writing right now. But, out of this post, perhaps I will get some counseling from all the wise and perfect mothers out there, although I would prefer advise from all the non-perfect and crazy ones right now. Here's my question...do you ever feel like you have been given a beautiful, blonde-haired, hazel-eyed, funny, sensitive, totally normal but high-maintenance child that you don't know how to mother. You feel totally incompetent, unworthy, and just don't have the skills needed to teach. That's the best way I can describe it...the way I feel on days like today. Nothing in particular happened out of the norm, I just have those days every now and then (I don't get it)! What is wrong with ME...not her! And then, after that thought, do any of you start to think of all the things you might have done wrong while trying to teach your infant/toddler (like, what the heck was I thinking when I started to bite her back when she would bite...SO NOT ME, and SO NOT GOOD FOR HER...or attempting all methods of 'sleep training' which made me more miserable than her...or having a tear-attack (nervous breakdown is another phrase) with her in sight...or having a second baby too soon for her tender and needy personalilty...just to name a few things I think of often). Well, that's where Im at folks. I can't express to anyone the way my heart swells for this little girl when I watch her sleep and kiss her chuncky soft cheeks, or watch her play with her babies like they have real beating hearts, or see the few sweet moments she has with her little brother. And I never wonder why I was the lucky one to recieve her because I know God knew that I would give my very last breath for her...but I do wonder if I'm doing what's right for her, the right way for her, living up to God's expectations. I guess I have to trust that Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He sent her to me to be my first. I have to trust that she will have the strength to get through all the tests and experiments needed to know what works and what doesn't. I'm sorry, Rae. I will tell that to you now cause I know I'm not a perfect person, therefor, I'm not a perfect mom. I've never done this before, but as my own wise mother said, I know how to love. And after I had you, I know how to love perfectly and that's what I can promise you I will do forever and ever! Goodnight:)
10 comments:
I don't have those thoughts about Kynlee but I do about her brother!!! All the thoughts you mentioned plus some I have pretty much on a regular basis. Kynlee is so easy going, krayden on the other hand requires so much more so I always wonder "what did we do different with him?" and i am scared about what will happen in two weeks when another baby comes into our family?
I think it is a learning process for both me and Krayden. He pushes me and I have to try have christ like love, and not push back. But it's like you said you know how to love and your kids can see that. Just think of all the times the only person they want is you.
Call me sometime, we need to get together. I am willing to drive anywhere.
Oh Farrah. I am sitting here just balling my eyes out! Not just because my heart swells also when I see that sweet face and think she is half mine for some reason, but because I have thought and felt those same things. Being a mom is soooooooo hard sometimes. There is no perfect answer to any of it either. I've learned that through experience and know there is still so much more learning to come. Bottom line is that you LOVE her! Like you said, she is everything to you and you are doing everything in your power at the time to give her what she needs. You are amazing and doing such a good job! When I started having kids, I promised myself that I'd live worthy to always be guided and directed. I knew Heavenly Father wouldn't let me down. He won't, but it's so hard to figure it all out!! We all want to know right this very minute if we're doing exactly what we should be doing. Especially when it comes to raising these angels. Keep going girl! You amaze me and those kids are so lucky to have you as their mama!! Know in your heart that you are always trying to do what's best for her, but don't feel too guilty about the past and decisions you've made. That will eat you up inside. Now I need to go take some of my own advice! Love you Farrs!!! Please come and visit! Missing you guys too much!
P.S Where did my brother go and who is that hottie in the first pic!!! ;)
Sorry you had a frustrating day Farrah. My day sucked too, if that makes you feel any better. Rae will grow out of it. I think she'll always have a strong personality, but I think if maybe you just don't "think" so much how to be a good mom, you will be less stressed. You ARE a good mom. And your kids adore you! I just wish I was as attentive with my kids as you are with yours! Hang tight! We all have those days. You're definitely not the only mom who feels like she's failed in some way! I love ya! Don't get down!
Farri berri--
Well, I am just a new mom and so really, I can't give you any REAL advice...but I can tell you that You are amazing. I tear up when i think about how great you are to your kids. I measure my parenting skills to yours and already, I am falling short. You are perfect with Rae! Really fars. You sweat it too much. She adores her mom and if you just be a good person and example, she will turn out just fine. WE DID! :) I think ;) It is a lot of pressure though cause you think about how you really only have ONE SHOT as a parent. That is a little overwhelming. Unno? Rae listens to you. She really does. Like that time in the car when we were having a juicy conversation and she was yelling in the back seat, "mom! MOm! MOm! MOM!!!" over and over and finally you just said, "Rae, If you need my attention just say, 'excuse me mom'" and ever since then fars, any conversation we have a sweet little voice from the back seat says quietly, "excuse me mom, but..." SO cute farrah! She is so well mannered. Instead of you freaking out (cause i probably would have, and it is okay if you do, no one is perfect!!) you just calmly responded. It was great. YOu do that everyday. You are a great example to me and I am so lucky you had to be first at the mom stuff. I would have been screwed, thanks to Moms lack of memory ;) ha. Anyway, you have overcome a lot and you are better than you think sometimes. Shawn, rae and evi are lucky to have you. Love ya
Farrs,
You are awesome and the truth of the matter is...there is NO REAL advice for any child! Every child is different. You have to know what works for you and what works for her! She is a strong personality, and always will be I am sure and you are going through life just as you should be...day by day! I will tell you this though, I think that you need to not blame yourself. Rae and every child for that matter came as they are straight from our Heavenly Father, her personality was decided way before you got your hands on her! You have done nothing to make her do the things she does, etc. You are an amazing mother and I think that you and my bro need to not blame anything on yourselves. I love all the time we have with you guys! Muah!
Oh Farrah I feel like that every day of my life almost. Except I am not as nice as you are. I have so many days where I go to bed thinking who in the world took over my body today? I was so mean to my children. Andrew definitely gets the raw end of the deal. I loved what you said about Heavenly Father knowing what he was doing when he sent them to us to be our first. I don't know why but the first kid somehow has a way of bringing out the frustrations and not so lovely sides of at least me. I love him to death and I can not even imagine my life without him. I get teary eyed thinking of how much I love him but some days I feel so inadequate to be his mom and I feel like he teaches me way more than I could ever teach him. Somehow and thank heavens for it they are very forgiving and understanding and knowledgeable all on their own. I am sure you are the perfect person to be raising Rae. I always read your blog and admire you and the way you are with your children. We all learn by making mistakes. The best thing we can give them is our love.
Dear Farrah,
I am not a mom, only to some animals and to my "teenage son" that lives with me, and my internet baby, that is super ugly, but you are so great! I don't even need to see you with your kids all the time, but I know you, and your are an amazing mom, and your kids are so freaking cute, and they will grow up to be just like you, and we need more of that in this world. Love you Far, and you are an amazing mom, don't forget it.
Farrah! Could you be harder on yourself?!! You are and AMAZING mom! I just want you to close your eyes and think back to Jump-On-It....if anyone doesn't know what the hell they're doing....it's ME!!!!!
Maggie
Hey it's me again and we live in Herriman so if you are still in Alpine then not too far. I have my logan cell number still my email is carlilarsen@hotmail.com so you can give me your contact info. I am supposed to be induced on the 12 but still call me or get me your phone number.
I have showed kynlee your pictures too and she said I used to have a friend that looked like that, can I go to her house again.
Thanks for expressing these feelings, it is good to know that I am not alone when I have these same thoughts. Just reading this post shows how much you love your kids and desire to be the best you can for them. You are awesome!
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