Thursday, January 12, 2012

Short and long version

Goodness gracious, do I need to catch up! Ill have to get some pictures up here soon, but for now, I just gotta write:)

First. We moved. Twice. Within the last 6 months. Joy:) Not really, but I do have to thank everyone who helped, and helped extra. This was a multiple step ordeal, and Im so grateful for everyones help along the way. From those who showed up to help me pack boxes, to moving boxes, to moving boxes again! You are all AMAZING!

We moved from Spanish Fork to Alpine to now....Highland. We can call Highland our home for now and hopefully for longer than 2 years! We are so excited about our home, where it is, and who we live by. We are so blessed. Spanish Fork was very kind to us. I made some really good friends and still keep in touch with them.

Second. We hit a little bump in the road about 6 weeks ago.

Short version: I was 4 months pregnant when I went in for a check-up. The doctor could not find baby's heartbeat with the doppler, so he checked with an ultrasound. No heartbeat. I lost the baby. Had surgery the next day. Experienced some very sad sad days and weeks to follow. Lots of tender mercies along the way, and feel ultra blessed with the kids I have.

Long version: Let me go back 3 months. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I started to bleed. And cramp. Thought for sure it was a miscarriage. And basically resolved myself to that diagnosis. I sat around that day, from the time I started bleeding to the time I finally decided to go in, waiting for the miscarriage to occur. It wasnt fun, but I was actually ok with it. I knew it was normal and that it happens in a lot of pregnancies. I cried. But I cried mostly cause I was REALLY nervous. Nervous for what was going to occur and what I was going to see.

Like I said, I was waiting around for something to happen when I was advised to go into the ER to get checked out. So I did. They did an ultrasound, took blood, etc., and told me there was a small tear between the placenta and uterus. He said it;s common and should heal, just be careful. So...thats what we did.

At 12 weeks, I saw my doctor. Who is amazing. In fact, so amazing that I was willing to drive to Payson to see him! I let him know of the incident at 10 weeks and he gave me a very thorough ultrasound exam and explaination of everything. He could see where the tear was. Explained that if you are going to tear, thats the place. It was located at the bottom of my placenta. If it was at the top, you risk the weight of the placenta on the uterus to tear more or just not heal. I was lucky. And SO relieved that everything was going to be ok. I heard the heartbeat. It was a strong and healthy heartbeat. Baby was healthy and growing right on track. He said he would see me at 16 weeks, check up on it with an ultrasound to make sure it was all healed up.

Shawn was there with me at 12 weeks for the thorough exam just to make sure everything was ok. He really wanted to be with me at the 16 week check up, because we were going to find out what we were having! He had a meeting but said he'd get out in time to meet me. I still hadn't heard from him by the time I was driving down to my appointment, but I was ok with it. I think the excitement and anticipation of finding out what baby was helped:)

I checked in as usual and did all the normal 'pee in the cup' things. Then doc came in and told me to lay on the table. He got the dopler out and handed it to his assistant to find the heartbeat. She rolled it around on my little bump and found my hearbeat. Rolled it around some more. Found my heartbeat again. Kept rolling. Passed over mine again. About 90 seconds had passed, which felt like 90 hours, without finding baby's heartbeat. My heart started racing. The assistant at this point was pushing SO hard on my little bump when she finally handed the machine over to doc who gave an honest effort as well. They were blaming this on everything from the doppler to having an uncooperative baby. They had me sit up and reassured me they werent going to let me go without getting the heartbeat. They needed an ultrasound but the room was occupied. So they left me waiting. In that quiet little room. By myself. I could feel my heart beat thumping in my neck. My hands were sweaty, and I really wanted Shawn. I text him, but no reply. So I sat. I had a lot going through my head, but was still hopeful that it was just a fluke. I was 4 months along and certainly past any sort of 'danger period'.

Finally after 15 minutes or so, they opened the door and had me lay on the bed in the ultrasound room. Just the doc and me. The picture came up and I saw baby. He scanned my little bump. Before he even said anything tears were rolling down the sides of my face. Not because I knew what was going on, but I think all the nerves got the best of me. Then he spoke. All he had to say was what he said and I understood. He said that this is really what he wasnt hoping for. And that this is the hardest part of his job. I had lost the baby. The baby was lifeless. No heartbeat. No blood circulation. But as I stared at the picture of that little baby, what was to be my little boy or girl, it was really hard to believe. In an instant, gone. The tears were dripping in my ears and down my neck and I can't remember what the doc said after that. I was so so sad.

He spoke with me in his office for a bit. He was so sad for me, and so sweet. He told me from a medical perspective, there is no real explanation. With me being further along, he said I was one week off of having to be induced and actually deliver the baby (tender mercy #1). Instead, we set up an appointment for the next day to have baby surgically removed.

I walked out of the office and broke down. I called Shawn, and got through to him. I told him what had happened and he met me at home. He felt horrible for not being there, but who would have known. I was never mad about that.

He had picked up the kids from school before he met me at home, and that was tough. I had to tell Rae the sad news after she came RUNNING in with Evan by her side, asking...'is it a boy or girl mom?!' I had told them that Heavenly Father had a very important mission baby needed to do in Heaven. And more. But my little Rae's face, as she registered what I was telling her, was heartwrenching. Evan just listened and as he realized everything, he finally spoke and said, "Oh mom, Im gonna miss that baby." We were all able to chuckle a little through the tears. After it settled in a bit with the kids, another heartwrenching moment. Rae asked me, "Mom, what should I tell my class?" UGH! More tears.

The next few days and weeks to follow were really tough, emotionally. If I jotted down all the thoughts that my little brain created, I would be typing for another 3 years. Tender mercy #2 was having my sister Rachel fly in the day of my surgery. Not because of my surgery, but because it divine intervention and had been planned before they even moved! She stayed for 5 weeks, and those first 2 weeks, I was in the basement and she was just up the stairs from me. She kept me company. What a blessing. I found that when I was alone, which wasnt often, I cried. A lot. And if Rach hadn't been there, I would have been alone often. Tender mercy #3 was our move. Our new home. A lot of excitement over it, and a lot of work for it. A lot of distraction:)

There were tender mercies everywhere, and after going through this experience, I have been reminded once again how much control we have. Absolutely none. And without the gospel, and without faith, how do people live. Really. I know there are a lot worse things to go through...a lot, and like someone told me once, if you were ever in a circle of strangers and you were all able to throw into the middle your own trials and see the pile of everyone else's trial, you would probably pick yours right back up and move on. Which is what I have done here. I have been blessed beyond belief. My perspective has once again become more refined. More clear. On what is important and what is not. Now I need to live that. Remember what really matters. And what really matters is family. And love. Time. Quality time. And as the new year is here, this will be my focus. Spend my time wisely. Let the small things go. Love. And remember whats truly important.

Before I end this novel...I have one more thing to say. I truly love Shawn. He was solid. He was supportive. He was emotional. But most of all, he was there. When I really needed him. Like he always is. I hope thats not too cheesy for you Shawn, but I gotta let everyone know that you do more than just fart and burp;) I love you. And man oh man do I love my kids. What a real miracle and blessing each one of them are to me.


Auntie Elaine said...

OK OK - now I am in tears!! YOU are such an inspiration to me Farrah. We love your family SO much!! The fact that you recognize the tender mercies reminds me you KNOW that your Heavenly Father IS aware of you and loves you. Thanks for letting us oldies hang out with you this week, sorry it's been so long. Love your new home, love your children, love your cute hubby and love YOU Farrah!!

Buckland Family said...

Oh Farrah, I talked to you in the mist of all of this and I had no clue. I'm so sorry! You are an amazing person. I hope you are doing alright. I would love to hang out sometime soon since we live so close now. Let me know if there is ANYTHING that I can do for you.

Crazy Lifferths said...

Love you and my brother and those freakin cute kiddos so much! I was in tears over your post. Love you guys seriously...that's all I can say! Oh and I SO wish I lived closer to you guys!!

kellie said...

oh Farrah, I wish I could just give you a big hug...I am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through. You are in my prayers. You are a huge inspiration to me and a lot of others!

Jamie said...

Love you Farrah. I know I don't need to say anything I haven't already said, but I will say are simply amazing. It's hard to pick yourself up after having something so hard happen. Trusting in the Lord is all we can do and I know you are doing just that. Thank goodness you have such awesome kids to make you laugh everyday and a husband who is there for you every step (despite his natural gas).

Laci said...

Love you Farrs! Heavenly Father only asks tough things from the strongest! are! SO glad we're finally neighbors and can lean on eachother through all the crazy that life throws us!!! And thanks a million for your help AGAIN yesterday!! Muah!

Rachel said...

I cried. I love you. What a crappy thing you had to go through. I hated seeing that and I still hate it. You are so strong and I admire you for that. I'm so so so glad I was able to give back a little of what you did for me 2 years ago. Love you sister. *i just saw this post by the way... :)

Tracie said...

You are my hero. When I talked to you about it, I scolded myself after. "Were you not so devastated?" I asked. Stupid stupid Tracie. Of COURSE you were. Farrah, you experience leaves me with a heavy heart, and uttering stupidities like "were you not devastated." Your eternal perspective leaves me with hope, joy, and optimism, that we can handle no matter what life throws at us if we focus not on what we don't have, but what we do.

You are my hero(in).
Let me know when your neighbors move, and we'll buy their home.