As I mentioned in an earlier post...I found a website that can print your blog out in scrapbook form, so I intend to jot down a few more thoughts as I would in a journal...but just a few as I stated (with it being on the web and all, I won't really get into the juicy stuff that you might actually find in my journal...you never know who might be stalking:) Anyway, over the last 3-4 years...basically since I had my first kid...I feel like I have undergone soul surgery. You know, this may sound kind of confusing, but I think I always knew who I was until I had kids. I totally lost myself, lets put it that way. I remember when we moved to California, I would sit in my 100 square foot cell thinking 'is Farrah still alive'. This may sound really gay, but I felt like I had nothing else to offer the world but doing laundry, cooking food, cleaning my cell, and caring for Rae. A housewife and mom. Nothing else. It was so depressing to me. I felt so trapped. And then as time went on, I sort of adjusted to it and lived with it and got used to it...and in the meantime lost myself completely.
I think as time went on that way, I really did try to find myself again...but in the wrong way. I would try to imitate what others did. Other moms mostly. I found myself clinging on to ideas and other things that Ive come to find out now...it's just not me. I think I was striving to become the 'super mom'. You know...everyone knows and has their own definition for the 'super mom' and the one I envisioned and was trying to become totally wore me out and took Farrah right out of the equation. I was way too anxious, stressed, tired, and much too concerned about what others thought of me and the way I did things...something I was in terrible denial with. I always told people...'oh, I could care less what he or she or him or her says or thinks about me' but I got so caught up in people pleasing and over caring about what others might think that it took over and fully consumed me and who I was.
Until I woke up...it took a few different experiences...I realized all of this. A lot of it just flowed from within when I would talk to my sister. I decided to care more about myself...and in the end...all parties become better off. What I mean by this is not selfish, something I was blinded with when motherhood began. I have decided that my mission as a mother is to number one, make sure my kids know they are the center of my whole existence...my heart beats for them and every breath I take fills my lungs with love for them, with each day I breathe I love them more! And number 2, while they take the center and most important organs of my body, I have appendages that function for them, and me. I want my kids to grow up knowing my legs bend for them when they reach out and extend their arms for me to hold, but they can run and jump and kick to. I want them to watch me play soccer and witness my passion for it. I want them to know my legs can also ride a bike, and hike, and water-ski, and snowboard (not good at all). I want them to know that my arms and hands can do more than cook and clean, wipe tears and pinch cheeks. My hands like to hold books, biographies, fiction, non-fiction. They like to lift weights, and swim, and.....blog:)
By living my passions and dreams will only help my kids grow their own. My third goal. I want them to become their own and never learn to conform to someone else just because they don't know anything else. I didn't have a clue as a first time mom that I would lose my brain. It was like I lost my brain and tried to fill it with others, but I'm happy to report that I have found my brain and it functions perfectly well! I love being me as a mom and I'm so much happier and feel so liberated now that I have TRULY let go of caring so much about everybody else's judgements, and caring more about me and my husband and my kids and their judgements. Being guilty of gossip and making judgements myself, I'm sure this was my curse inevitably. Everybody is different and what works for me may be totally backwards for someone else...good thing. Diversity makes the world go round.
If you happened to make it this far...sorry. Just a rambled mess of many thoughts over the last few months. Feels good to write transformation down...never lets you forget it. Hopefully I'm not the only mindless freak out there, but if so...oh well and good job to you who has it all figured out. I like to put it all out there as real as it gets and hope that I get the same in return....from now on! I love booger noses and dirty faces and sticky hands and hand-me downs and Dora the Explorer and Walmart and Target and kid shopping and sitting and soccer and 3 yr old tantrums and rocking 1 yr olds to sleep at 3am and sippy cups and vacuuming (weird) and chocolate soymilk and hotdogs and chicken nuggets and Mcdonalds, parks, and spring summer and fall! Enough jabber...its a nice day today and I have to take advantage of them as they will be no more...WINTER...hate it:) and hate waking up and going to bed and doing dishes and laundry and grocery shopping and cooking dinner and throw-up and sick kids and stains and dust and dog hair and too much TV...just trying to keep it real:)