#1 question from Rae...

Mom...are you gonna have another baby?

Makes my heart sink a little every time she asks, but I gently say, I think so. Because thats the truth. Since my miscarriage occured, I have had a little battle going on with myself. My head and my heart are at odds with eachother. My head keeps telling me things like...'you may not be adequate or strong enough or prepared or able to have number 4'. But my heart argues this every time I see that precious sweet tiny little infant. Whether it be baby Elsie craddled in my little Raegans arms, or the little baby I see at church just one row ahead of me slumbering on her daddys chest. My heart knows. My head doesn't.

Gotta get it together. But I had to share this most precious picture. Rae is in complete Heaven. I know a part of her longs for this...permanently...as she was anticipating it in her near future for a few months.

Ponderings & Passions & nonsense 4 most!

Lately, I have been in a pondering mood:) Not sure what has caused this pondering, but whatever it is...I LIKE IT! I'd have to say Im really looking forward to living in my 30's. I think I have lived in a sort of limbo from about age 18 to 25ish. Wishing I was some things that Im not. But realizing and accepting me for me has been so refreshing and satisfying. This is silly...I know. Maybe its normal...maybe not. Maybe late, maybe not. But this whole little caption brings me to the point of this picture:

I married an unbelievably passionate person. I have always thought that I was a passionate person...until he came along. He gets fixed on something and I tell ya...its game over. He goes all out...and has a new passion in life! Ive realized I like a little of this and a little of that, but I dont get fixed on much. I began to think. What am I passionate about? I know Im passionate about something. I know Im passionate about my kids. Thats easy. Before my kids came along...What have I been passionate about? What passions do I have that I want my kids to know about. Two things came to my mind. One, Soccer. And two, Adventures in nature. If I wasn't playing soccer, I was hiking, rock climbing, mountain biking, camping. Is there a better place on earth to enjoy the outdoors than UTAH...nope! After coming to this realization, I decided this was something I really want to instill in my kids...the love of the outdoors. And considering this being both mine and Shawns passion...it should be easy. But what really makes it easy is its free:) ...and...its in my BaCkYaRd.

So, I got a little spark from within, and Im gonna run with it. Where that spark came from...who knows? Maybe the turn of winter into spring ignited the fire, or maybe the fact that our kids are reaching the age of being able to hike rather than crawl up the mountain is the fuel. But, if (by some very very small chance:) nothing else works out for my kids later on in life, whether it be sports, music, cheerleading, or dance...I hope this can be something they can always fall back on, their love for the outdoors! And maybe its fair to say that because I should probably never EVER play soccer again, I come from the position of having something that has always been a passion, a real passion, dissinigrate...I can be grateful for my other love. Spin class is fun, but I can say Im not really passionate about it:) And, I can now combine my passion for my kids with my love of the outdoors! Neat.

One pitfall (so far) is this...we have discovered that Mayci has more endurance hiking than Raegan. Hmmmm. Or maybe Rae hates hiking:) Not sure what the solution is for this dilemma, but sure enough we know Raegan LOVES camping. So, we are gonna tread this water slow and do our best to make all our future adventures enjoyable for the KIDS. Needless to say, we left Rae out (not on purpose, but because she decided playing with her cousins sounded way more fun than a hike) and took the 2 little ones on a hike. We packed a little lunch and rounded up our pack for Mayci to ride in, which we were positive she would LOVE! But, as you take a close look at the picture, Mayci is on the ground, and the pack on Shawns shoulders is empty. She didnt want anything to do with the piggy back ride. She hiked the entire way...as happy as could be. Made us proud! I will admit, she hiked up, Shawn carried her down...and not in the pack.

I know these adventures wont happen as OFTEN as I would like, nor will they go as expected, BUT Im excited to begin these little adventures. I can really say begin, because the sleeping passion within has been just that...sleeping! Its awake now. And Im ready!

On the road to independence...

SO...I have this boy named Evan. He is 4 years old...almost 5. He is the sweetest thing that walks this living Earth. He is SO very easy to have at home. All he needs is his imagination, and the kid is stoked. He could stay in his pajamas all day, with one sock on, half of what he has eaten all over his face and shirt, and not even notice. He is very low maintenence...to say the least. BUT...I have learned something about Evan that is worlds apart from Raegan. He is completely dependant on me for everything! Dressing him is like dressing an infant...minus strapping on the diaper. Literally. I cant figure out whether its just a 'boy' thing, or his thing, but my goodness! I recognized one day that I am doing him a great disfavor. He needs to be independent...and I guess I have to teach him. NEVER, I mean NEVER, did I ever have to think about it when this particular issue came to Rae. The girl seriously has been wanting to do e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g on her own since she turned 2. To the point of frustration on my end every now and then:) Oh, how I took advantage!

Anyhow, I came across this show called Supernanny that has changed my life:) She has so many great methods and tricks, that after watching a few episodes, I modified a few of her methods and came up with the 'Evan Method'. A chart of some tasks he needs to master, some stickers, a lot of enthusiasm, instant rewards (stickers) as well as long term rewards (see below). He was flying through the tasks, like he knew how to do them all along. All he needed was me on board. I am now! After getting a certain amount of stickers, he got a BIG reward...

And this was his reward:

After he earned 10 stickers, he got to choose between cupcakes, brownies, and cookies. He chose to help me with a cake. We frosted it and all, and this kid was in complete HEAVEN! It was beautiful. We made it right then and there just so he knew his reward was REAL:) It worked.

I wish I knew a long time ago that all you need is a piece of paper and some stickers to get a kid to do something! I was doubtful, but Evan soaked it up and LOVED it. He kept up the progress and earned 20 stickers. He got to pick out a toy from our "$1.00 family store box". He picked out a little spiderman water bottle for his upcoming soccer season. Then...we started clean again. New chart, new stickers, same ol' trick:) I LOVE IT!

My valentine

Evan surprised us all when he wanted and succeeded in doing his OWN valentines. As in writing each one all on his own! I was all for it. Less work for me:) We thought he only knew how to write his own name! I watched as he concentrated so hard on each card, then crossed the name off and moved on very proudly to the next name. I loved watched those little hands work. So priceless.

One last insignificant note...

Since Shawns post on Kaya was so unbelievable and so heartfelt...I cant even think of anything better to write when it comes to Kaya. All I can say at this point is everytime I look at our blog I get a little pit in my stomach when I see those pictures. That truly was one of the saddest days ever! She was an amazing companion, friend, and protector. Im happy that we can now talk about her without sobbing and remember all of our awesome adventures with her. I love you Kaya. Thank you for making me feel unconditionally loved... and constantly protected. May you do the same work in Heaven:)

Best EVER...Kaya

I'm not sure why I am doing this. Feels therapeutic...people say it's good to do but still not sure because I am a wreck. Not ashamed one bit. Everything is a blur as will probably be this post. I'm not sure when the last time I cried like this was. Had to have been when Farrah broke off our engagement and to me life was over. Ironic that it was then that I got you. You healed my heart and now it's torn in pieces all over. You truly never left my side for 11 years. You were fiercely loyal and your love was constant and sincere. Anyone that has come into contact with our family during your life knows that you were one of us. Many people laughed at the fact that we could not go anywhere without you. Vacations, reunions...you were literally present at everything. I should be in Vegas right now but this all came on so fast. That is probably just as good. I'm considering driving to Vegas once we find your final resting place but I don't know if I could do it. We have made that drive so many times because we would never have considered a trip to California without you...so we always drove. I know the exact exits from here to California that have the grass you need because you would never do your "business" on dirt. You were the best security one could ever imagine. Your bark frightened all who knocked and you were loyal to that protection even last night at 10pm when Grandpa came over to watch the kids while we took you "home." Grandpa knocked...you barked and barked some more. Thank You!!! I was never once concerned leaving on my numerous road trips knowing that Farrah had you there. I've read that getting another dog is the best thing to do. NO...can't. Not yet. You were too perfect for our family. It wouldn't be fair to another dog because I don't believe I could love them the same.

We'll be fine. I promise. I'm blessed knowing that you are running and breathing better than ever right now. I will miss my jogging partner through the hills. No hill was too steep nor snow too deep...you would follow. I will miss your constant devotion to doing whatever just to be by my side. No one could deter you from that. Sometimes I would leave a room full of people knowing you would get right up and follow me without ever being called. Made me proud and I admit I felt like a King!!! I could run through the hills, walk downtown or run on a crowded beach full of dogs and you never even needed a leash. You would not leave my side nor ignore my calls. Even those two other dog owners at the vet yesterday were amazed at your obedience to your last breath. I know you came to me and layed your head in my lap while they were poking you with needles wanting me to make it stop and in the end I did do that. Out of my love and total devotion to you. I knew you would be better. I brought you home yesterday after the diagnosis thinking I could have the weekend and a few nights by your side, but watching you last night was too hard. I needed to make you better just as you did me when I was in pain so many years ago. Last night wasn't a time for me to be selfish. The pain and heavy breathing are gone. I'm happy to know you will be close to our stomping grounds and family.

I love you Girl!!!

Grandparents, I mean Grandpa Day!!!

Grandpa Bryan was kind enough to come support Evan on Grandparent's day. Thanks Grandpa Bryan for coming out and spending time with Evan. Two good looking dudes right there.

well...i dove in head first. i decided to take the shears in my own hands and give mayci a. . .

NEW DEW!

Now...there is a good side and a bad side to this adventure.

Good side is: i did a pretty darn good job, and when its in those little piggy tails...wow.

so cute.

looks like this maybe 5% of the time:

awe. adorable. right?
yes. im right.

could you eat her? same.

precious.

you are more than welcome to first, tell me what a great job i did.

Second, keep scrolling...if your interested in the 'bad side'...and see what she sports around the other 95% of the time!

get ready to laugh:)

i did...and still do.

a lot.

bad side: when it is left alone...which happens to be 90% of the time.

HA! HA! HA!

yEs, mY, fRiEnds...the kid now has a full blown mullet.

whatch ya gonna do bout it??!!

just laugh:)

its amazing.

CUZINS!

(business in the front...)

(...partay in the back!)

These two little munchkins did this much of there time and it was hilarious. Mayci's bedroom door was shut, I peeked in, and this is what I found. In the dark. On the dora couch. Watching Barney. Quiet as can be. So awesome.



Here's the 4 of them. Quite the little squad.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of watching Karalee's two boys while she went in for her weekly checkups with her OB....that means its oh so close!!! Cant wait to meet that little gal. The kids played fantastic! Honestly didnt hear a peep from them. Evan and Mayci were in HEAVEN! Raegan was lucky enough to get snagged by Aunt Laci:) These are a few pretty cute pictures of some time well spent with these little folks!

On a lighter note...I have posted a few pictures to catch up on life. Adventures of the last few months. The week after Christmas was spent at the cabin...some very needed down time and a lot of fresh air. It was amazing.

Here a few pictures from that week.

(scroll down for a few more posts...if your interested:)
He is the man. Grampa ROCKS!

A lot of quality time spent with this guy we often call a stranger :)

It was nice to have him 100%.

cHrIsTmAs.

It was a little different this year. No tree. No lights. But a new home with happy healthy kids.

And santa found us with the help of Lennon's Elf on a Shelf.

We closed on our new home the same day I found out I had lost the baby.

Had surgery the next day.

Had a week or so to recover.

Had a week to pack up.

Moved.

Had a week to unpack...somewhat:)

Then Christmas hit us.

Good thing I felt the urge to get all my shopping done well ahead of time.

Not normal behavior, but once again, a tender mercy:)

Reagan with her favorite gift. Beyblades. Go figure.

Mayci, with her favorite gift. A talking duck. So easy:)

First snap shot on Christmas morning. New Jammie. Mmmm...so cozy.

Raegan was pleased that our WHOLE family room was "COVERED".

Love the perception of a 6 year old!

sexy.

smokin.

hot.

wow.

hAllOwEEn.

With cousins.

Good times!

mAyCi...in all her get-up. What a joy this little orpan is. WoW!