Alpaca Day

Here are some pictures of one beautiful Saturday morning enjoyed by all! They hold a little fair-like event up here in Alpine where there is a big alpaca farm and the kids LOVED it. They had the neatest little go-cart train mobile...I would have been in it all day too when I was a kid! It was pretty cool...and the background scenery was magical...the fall leaves colored the mountains and the sun was bright, what more can ya ask for?!

He's gonna kill me...oh well!

So, I know the best kind of service to give is sincere and anonymous, but I can't hold out on this one as I sit here in tears after getting a phone call from my tender husband, who was all choked up as well. He really is going to kill me, I know this because when I gave him a birthday blog he said thank you in the same sentence with 'never do that again...so CHEESY'. And he really meant it. So, for all of you out there wondering if I love my husband...I do. I just don't blog it...UNTIL TODAY:) I had just got off the phone with my dad who is one of the most charitable persons on the face of this planet and we had a little conversation just about that. I was thanking him for everything he continues to do for us, and expressing my want to be on the other end of receiving someday...GIVING! We just continue to be humbled and I was explaining to him that one day, we will pay it back somehow...someway. Just as I hung up with him, Shawn called. He begins to confess that he just spent $100. Not a big deal...I asked him why. Here we go. He proceeds to tell me with tears that he was in the bank ready to make a deposit. He was waiting for his turn as he waited for and overheard this little Latino family, a father beside his wife who was holding his little girl ask how much money he had in his account. One dollar. He didn't know how this was possible as he explained that he had made a deposit just a few days ago. With embarrassment the man and his family left. Shawn's heart instantly dropped and as he contemplated about what he wanted to do he made his deposit and ran outside to catch up with this family. They had already loaded into their car and were driving away, so Shawn continued after them...following them in their car. Of all places, they pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store to somehow find a way to pay for food. Shawn parked and ran up to the man, tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he spoke English. He nodded, and as the family stared at Shawn he asked if they needed some money. The man said he didn't know what happened, he made a deposit a few days ago but...and Shawn then handed him $100 and said he hoped this would help. The mother and father both continued to thank him as emotion swept across their faces. Shawn watched them walk away, trying to hold back his tears, as he still held his little girl. How grateful I am for Shawn and his heart! This, by the way is not the only time he has done something like this. He has come home on a few occasions with a wet face only to tell me he just helped push a crippled man in his wheelchair make it up the hill and into his home. There are other instances, but for my life's sake, I'll leave it at that and try not to get to mushy, but I have to say that I hope this inspires others who read this to be more aware of those who are less fortunate than you and help them out in anyway possible that you can at that time. As you can see, it doesn't always have to be monetarily, because we all know how often we will be able to that:) Shawn, please don't kill me:) As you felt inspired to give, I felt inspired to write about it. I love you!

Before...

So, lets talk about the battle within. I absolutely love watching every new stage Evan continues through as he grows up, but on the opposing side, HE'S GROWING UP! I think that's maybe the main motivation for me to not touch his hair. If its long and shaggy, not short and spiky, well then, he's a baby. But Sunday was the last straw for me and my battle because his HAIR was my battle. He's got some funky calics going on that basically made him look like a conehead baby...not the kind of baby I've been trying to keep around. So I made up my mind and got it done. Scroll down to see the aftermath!!!

and AFTER...

Have you seen a cuter boy?! I have to say, he's quite the little boy now. I was so composed during the whole process...but I will admit to all...I might have shed a tear (just one) at one of the pictures as I put them on my desktop. My fear of seeing a little boy and not a baby came true...what do ya do? I love seeing all of his face and I can't stop staring at him. I am so happy about it and absolutely love it...just sad he's growing up so fast...I guess that's one of the reasons why people keep having kids:) Karalee did such a great job, she's a champ but I guess she has quite a bit of experience...what was it...one week old when Autie got his first hair cut:) Anyway, thank you so much Karalee. It's always fun to see you and have Autie around...gotta take advantage of it while we can:( LOVE YOU!

scrapbookblogger.com

This is the website I found that will print off your blog scrapbook style. A few have asked about it...so here it is. ENJOY!

Oh how peaceful

We had a very long and eventful weekend while Shawn was gone on one of his many road trips. Friday night we got to go see Heather and her team play Grayson and his team. It was great to see Grayson and Lenonnie again, and we, especially Raegan, couldn't wait to see auntie HO (Heather). Rae searched the whole game for HO and ran into her arms the second she caught sight of her...after the game of course. It was really cute. After the game we all caravaned to enjoy the all new Spoon Me ice cream. It was really good for any who haven't been! Then, we trudged on home and what a peaceful ride it was. Both the kids conked right out. On Saturday, we went to the BYU womens soccer game with the whole Hofheins crew and once again, another peaceful drive home. Sunday, we made it to Sacrament for the primary program and the whole hour I had a knot in my throat trying to hold back to rush of tears building up. I'm glad I was able to control myself, but I know it's not long until I see my own kids up there...then there will be no self control:) It was the best primary program I have ever seen. There is something really special about the singing voices of the primary kids. A little boy got up all by himself and sang 'I am a child of God' and I about died. It was amazing. I almost didn't go to the meeting only because when Shawn isn't around I think I can justify it all with the excuse that 'it's too hard, I don't hear anything anyway...' and so on, but I'm SO glad I went...inspirational! We rushed home after Sacrament to ready ourselves for little baby Lennon's blessing...just a small and special blessing here at the house. Brandon gave a beautiful blessing. Then after some good food and company, my beloved husband returned. It was a fun-filled and exhausting weekend. I posted some pics of the kids in their most peaceful state:)

Jump On It

Some serious blow-up fun!

10:45pm and still awake

So, when I was in Argentina, Laci my sis-in-law who so kindly watched my two little rascals would post often so I could keep sane being a world apart from them. One thing I loved reading was all the funny things Rae would say...so off the board yet so right on in her little crazy world. They always made me laugh out loud and I continue laughing out loud every day at her and her hilarious comments...so now...I'm going to post them. Rae moments here they come: Got the kids bathed and in bed by 8:30pm but low and behold and no surprise to anyone that knows Rae...she is still awake having Shawn and I cater to her every need and desire just trying to get her happy enough, comfortable enough, full enough, safe enough, cozy enough, warm enough, cool enough TO SLEEP for cryin' out loud...and it's 10:30 now as Shawn and I are catching up on life with the limited time we have together and Rae continues to interrupt with...'I'm hungry' or 'my water is gone' or 'are you just going to be just right there?' or 'my hands are sweaty'! NO JOKE...she has said each of these tonight. So last straw I went in and told her no more. I'm putting a new DVD in for her to doze to and as I am switching the DVD's (because she has obviously already gone through a whole one) she's kissing up and apologizing with 'I'm soo soo sorry mom that it doesn't work when I don't go to sleep' and as I lean in to give her one more kiss, she says 'oh mom, I love that on your head...that bra on your head'. Now, I'm laughing right now out loud and did when she said it cause what may look to her like a bra strap is actually my head band and I couldn't contain myself. She just laughed along and somehow realized what I was laughing at and asked what the bra was on my head and I corrected her...a headband. Oh she is a fun one. Next Rae moment won't be quite as detailed...just the quote I promise:)

SELF DISCOVERY...beware!

As I mentioned in an earlier post...I found a website that can print your blog out in scrapbook form, so I intend to jot down a few more thoughts as I would in a journal...but just a few as I stated (with it being on the web and all, I won't really get into the juicy stuff that you might actually find in my journal...you never know who might be stalking:) Anyway, over the last 3-4 years...basically since I had my first kid...I feel like I have undergone soul surgery. You know, this may sound kind of confusing, but I think I always knew who I was until I had kids. I totally lost myself, lets put it that way. I remember when we moved to California, I would sit in my 100 square foot cell thinking 'is Farrah still alive'. This may sound really gay, but I felt like I had nothing else to offer the world but doing laundry, cooking food, cleaning my cell, and caring for Rae. A housewife and mom. Nothing else. It was so depressing to me. I felt so trapped. And then as time went on, I sort of adjusted to it and lived with it and got used to it...and in the meantime lost myself completely.

I think as time went on that way, I really did try to find myself again...but in the wrong way. I would try to imitate what others did. Other moms mostly. I found myself clinging on to ideas and other things that Ive come to find out now...it's just not me. I think I was striving to become the 'super mom'. You know...everyone knows and has their own definition for the 'super mom' and the one I envisioned and was trying to become totally wore me out and took Farrah right out of the equation. I was way too anxious, stressed, tired, and much too concerned about what others thought of me and the way I did things...something I was in terrible denial with. I always told people...'oh, I could care less what he or she or him or her says or thinks about me' but I got so caught up in people pleasing and over caring about what others might think that it took over and fully consumed me and who I was.

Until I woke up...it took a few different experiences...I realized all of this. A lot of it just flowed from within when I would talk to my sister. I decided to care more about myself...and in the end...all parties become better off. What I mean by this is not selfish, something I was blinded with when motherhood began. I have decided that my mission as a mother is to number one, make sure my kids know they are the center of my whole existence...my heart beats for them and every breath I take fills my lungs with love for them, with each day I breathe I love them more! And number 2, while they take the center and most important organs of my body, I have appendages that function for them, and me. I want my kids to grow up knowing my legs bend for them when they reach out and extend their arms for me to hold, but they can run and jump and kick to. I want them to watch me play soccer and witness my passion for it. I want them to know my legs can also ride a bike, and hike, and water-ski, and snowboard (not good at all). I want them to know that my arms and hands can do more than cook and clean, wipe tears and pinch cheeks. My hands like to hold books, biographies, fiction, non-fiction. They like to lift weights, and swim, and.....blog:)

By living my passions and dreams will only help my kids grow their own. My third goal. I want them to become their own and never learn to conform to someone else just because they don't know anything else. I didn't have a clue as a first time mom that I would lose my brain. It was like I lost my brain and tried to fill it with others, but I'm happy to report that I have found my brain and it functions perfectly well! I love being me as a mom and I'm so much happier and feel so liberated now that I have TRULY let go of caring so much about everybody else's judgements, and caring more about me and my husband and my kids and their judgements. Being guilty of gossip and making judgements myself, I'm sure this was my curse inevitably. Everybody is different and what works for me may be totally backwards for someone else...good thing. Diversity makes the world go round.

If you happened to make it this far...sorry. Just a rambled mess of many thoughts over the last few months. Feels good to write transformation down...never lets you forget it. Hopefully I'm not the only mindless freak out there, but if so...oh well and good job to you who has it all figured out. I like to put it all out there as real as it gets and hope that I get the same in return....from now on! I love booger noses and dirty faces and sticky hands and hand-me downs and Dora the Explorer and Walmart and Target and kid shopping and sitting and soccer and 3 yr old tantrums and rocking 1 yr olds to sleep at 3am and sippy cups and vacuuming (weird) and chocolate soymilk and hotdogs and chicken nuggets and Mcdonalds, parks, and spring summer and fall! Enough jabber...its a nice day today and I have to take advantage of them as they will be no more...WINTER...hate it:) and hate waking up and going to bed and doing dishes and laundry and grocery shopping and cooking dinner and throw-up and sick kids and stains and dust and dog hair and too much TV...just trying to keep it real:)

Is she really mine?

Nicole...thanks for this picture! She's beautiful!

How far can I go...

I guess it's time to update our lives. I found a website that can print off blogs into a normal scrapbook...so that gives me more motivation to add on to this little web creation of mine. Feel free to scroll down and view the pics if you are not interested in reading my journal:) After Rach had her babe she came down and spent the night with him and we were lucky enough to watch him for a few hours while she was able to catch a few extra zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's if ya know what I mean! He's really difficult to watch though...he cries all the time and just doesn't stop wiggling around...poor Rach! NOT! He seriously has been totally unconscious since we met him. He is the most chill baby ever. If you hold him away from you and just support him by holding him up under his back...his arms and legs lay limp and fall towards the floor. He is awesome. So Rae is obsessed with him too. She hovers over him like a mama bear and cannot get enough of him when he is around. She is so so so sweet to him. She just can't figure out exactly what she can do to him though. She knows he isn't like the rest of her plastic babies but she tests things out...like how hard can she squeeze his little arm until he makes a noise, or how much pressure can she use with her face to his, or what he will do if she starts out gently rubbing his head and with each stroke adding a little more to it, or if he will start laughing if she tickles his little feet. It's pretty funny, her intentions are sweet but you still have to sit close by to monitor her little investigation. And when little Evan sees any little baby, with the highest squeal he can manage he says 'bebie'. It is absolutely adorable, and to my surprise he is extra gentle. He says 'saw' (for soft) as he softly caresses him. Melts my heart! So anyway, here are a few priceless pics with baby Lennon, Rae, two of her favorite auntie's Alix and Kobie, and of course, how could I leave these pictures out of Evan!

LENNON JAY NILSSON

What a long time its been! I have been meaning to post about this miraculous day for a while now. First...what a cute name...Lennon! I love it and love him. He is beautiful...truly. He was the second he came out. I have to thank Rach and B for letting me be a part of this beautiful experience. I have been there twice myself with my own 2 kids...but to see it from a whole new perspective, it was amazing. To see my little sister have her first baby, and if I ever would have imagined I would witness B become a dad back in the good ol' high school days, well, words can't express! I don't mean to get all mushy, but you can't leave out the fact that God was in that room handing us the most precious gift this world can offer, and He was felt. Some of the pictures posted are of Rachel and B when they first set eyes on their newborn, and the pictures speak for themselves. The emotions, just typing about it now makes me cry, were so intense and special. The instant love was incredibly alive in both their eyes. I couldn't keep my own cheeks dry! Every time I look at Lennon, it feels like someone is sucking the air out of my chest. He is precious. The feeling that a new life brings is wonderful, and I'm really really really fighting a battle within...how bad do I want one! Soon enough, but anyway, it was really something and I will cherish that experience forever. Thanks again Rach for letting me in on your miracle, it was so...speechless.